Blog Sunshine for Healing

Above: An old painting of mine from 2003 that I discovered yesterday at my brother's apartment.


Here I am. I write this blog not really knowing what to say.

I didn't pass through any medival towns today. No castles. No reception by monks on mountain perched monasteries. I didn't even have a flat tire.

I guess the latter is a good thing. My bike is warm and cosy at a monastery in Assisi.

Am I warm and cozy? Yeah, technically. I am quite conscious however that my healing process isn't just about repairing my body. As a Tao sage says: "Changing the surface of a body is easy, changing the food habits is difficult, changing real cause of the problem-- very difficult."

So here I am. Things are comfortable and cozy, but... intense. To really heal means facing things that go way way back. No better place than my parent's house really to do that. But my goodness, this is going to be... very difficult.

My adventures are now on the inside.

And I thought cycling into an unknown country, in the winter, without knowing the language, or having any friends, was difficult. The stuff I have to face now pales in comparison. I find the idea of writing about some of these things on my blog absolutely unimaginable.

But why? Its pure personal fear. A fear to face. Maybe writing them out, putting into blog sunshine will be healing. It would sure be interesting to read.

"It is Easy to Know God, Its hard to be a human being"

"It is easy to know god. Its hard to be a human being."

I read that today lying in bed. It hit home.

As many of you know, I am back in Ottawa, Canada after having what seems to be a mini-stroke in Italy. I am here to rest, recover, heal... and integrate.

I've been doing pretty good "knowing God". My blog here is a joy-filled spiritual journey of magically manifesting and connecting with people around the world. But as we all know its one thing to know spiritual concepts and ideas, its another to live them. I've been living them-- full out baby-- but on the outside. But not on the inside. Not in my body.

Aristotle urges us to know ourselves. After a reflective philosophy degree, living in the Holy land and introspective arting, I've got to know my personality pretty well. My body, alas, I haven't done such a good job getting to know. Somehow all my spiritual learning has overlooked integrating my body into the picture.

Alarmingly, I really thought I knew my body! I've done yoga everyday, never smoked, excerised all the time, thought I ate well, and am totally lean. Only a month and a half ago I stood on the side of the road in Tuscany, sweat on my brow and adrelaine in my veins after climbing a epic series of peaks on my bike... and I thought to myself that I was in the best health ever. I felt great.

But no. I am seeing that a myriad of unconscious patterns-- from dietary, to sexual, to work were all in the process of slowly wearing me down. When all the deleterious patterns finally crossed in one intense week in Italy... I basically short circuited.

Its been one long hard reality check.

Now that my eyes are being opened I can do nothing but shake my head. I see all the bad stuff I was doing in lucid clarity.

Shit.

I getting better slowly. The latest tests show I am normal. But disconcerting numbness continues to jump around my body-- a sobering reminder of my fragile state. You would think that it would be easy to just lie here and rest. Alas here I am facing some of my biggest fears ever here. As the Taoist sage says: Its hard to be a human being.

I am learning the process has a name: Integrating.

"Where have you been sir?"

I am now in Ottawa. I am resting and healing back in my country. I am also becoming conscious of just how much I have done in the last year and a half.

On my way through Canadian customs the officer asked: "Have you been to any other countries in your time away from Canada"

I smiled.

"I have actually. Let me see. The US, England, France, Belgium, Holland, Germany, Italy, Slovenia, Croatia, and back to England and France again."

He looked up inquisitively: "And how did you get around?"

I smiled again: "Bicycle".

He didn't know quite what to say for the moment, then hastily waved me through.

Today walking my parent's dog around the block I met the neighbour. She speaks mainly French so we chit chatted about how everybody's doing. "Are you still painting and exposing?" She asked.

I smiled. "Yeah, I've been doing quite a lot of art lately in fact." I mentioned then how I had either shows or studios or comissions in New York City, Belgium, Amsterdam, Berlin and lastly my presentation in Paris.

"In French?" She asked.

I nodded. It struck me that my French immersion teachers would have been quite proud.

Gratitude

There are so many people from so many places wishing me well. All I can say is all these good vibes have surely manifested themselves. I look about me with awe at the profoundly healing hands I now find myself in here in London.

Back in Paris, it just so happened that my paths crossed with Catherine, the woman who works as Neale Donald Walsh's personal healer. She was at a meeting leading up to my presentation.

Catherine had lived through a stroke herself. She recognized immediately my symptoms and knew it was serious. She helped me make sense of the subtle but terrifyingly symptoms I had been experiencing. Her colleague, Gudrun, was on her way to Paris also. Catherine had her bring that day the medecine I needed.

Catherine saw to it that I got to the hospital and the care I needed. Philippe from HT France went with me on the Eurostar to London to bring me to their clinic to rest. We stayed for the week in the most restfull apartment you could imagine right above their clinics.

Again I am in awe and deep grattitude at the profound moment and place for healing that I experiencing. Thank you everyone for your prayers/intentions for my health.

I've thus become the patient and disciple of Catherine and Gudrun these past two weeks. Catherin is a certified Chinese amedical practitioner, who, having lived through 21 operations, is profoundly empathetic. Gudrun is a dietitian and medical practitioner who has decades of experience and several books under their name. Both began an intense series of daily sessions with me to restore my dangerously unbalanced and depleted energy.

Being with two world class healers for two weeks I've been able to go a lot deeper than the symptoms-- to become aware of the life patterns that caused them, the past experiences that set me on these life patterns and... "most difficult of all" as Gudrun says... to actually Change/heal.

My ministroke basically could have and would have happened to me anywhere, no matter what I was doing. It connects to a heart condition I had when I was a baby, and more importantly not being conscious of how to live and eat and work and exercise with this predisposition. Several streams of aggravating and culminating liife patterns thus brought me to my stroke.

My choice to set out on my bike sped up something that would have caught up with me eventually. It's a little hard to see it this way, but since it has happened when I am still young, it's a little like a gift. I still have the resources and time to maneuver and amend my patterns.

And I have motivation. A collossal amount of motivation. Motivation mixed with clarity to better understand myself, to better comprehend the life force energy management I have been ignorant of, and to better, nay... to fully integrate all dimensions of my living.

Go Russell go.

Being with my body

GeoTagged, [N51.49771, E0.20729]

I am discovering that the journey that I began when I left Smithers is a lot more than a geographic.

Being ill is a new experience for me. A little like cycling into a new city in a strange land. Here, the roads are bumpy, confusing.

Why is this happening to me? What's the message? What's the lesson? I've been hearing this question from others and myself.

But you know, its not what is important now.

When I stood in St. Peters square I didn't need to ponder all the roads that took me to Rome. Much better was to just be there, to touch the statues, drink from the fountain and feast my eyes. Equally, being ill I just need to be with my body. Afterall, the reason I am here is surely connected to not having listened to and been with my body. I have been out of it. Mind and body and spirit have not been integrated.

Now, is the time to shift.

Sure there's reasons. But they will come. For the moment, I will be.

Clouds over the sun

There may be clouds over my sun, the wind might be cold but by heart is still warmed. I am getting so many well wishes from all over the world. Thank you. It really means alot. I

am suddenly discovering just how many wonderful friends i have all over and how many beautiful "strangers" are out there who all send the most uplifting thoughts and words. When your down and the clouds are dark and gray, boy do you appreciate every glimmer of light.

Serious

I can't really keep up with all that is happening to me. I am learning my situation is really serious. Two professional health practitioners have been treating me for the last week. Despite what the doctor at the hospital said, Catherine, who has had a stroke herself, is pretty sure this happened.

Both practioners have been insisting how precarious and dangerous my situation is and could become. My system is really weak and it could repeat.

I would love nothing more than to rest in Paris with Abby in a week. That is what was coming together. But, this would be avoiding the issue.

I fly back to Canada ASAP for treatment and tests.

Going back to Canada-- I really cannot imagine anything I fear more or dread. I feel like I letting people down and failing in my journey. But, Russell... What is more important... You, or the Journey? Despite my journey, my project, all my friends here in Europe and even my lovers, I must love myself first.

My journey has been all about facing my fears and being true to myself. Maybe this is just another step on the path. It makes me feel terrible anyway.