"What we Fear makes us ill."

Above: Another old painting of mine, re-discovered at my little brother's apartment. Note the four elements. I'd retitle this one: 'Integration".


"What we fear makes us ill." That's a bold statement, but I am going to run with it.

A few months ago I posted a blog of things that I feared most to write about. Now that I am ill, I re-read and nod my head. Sure enough, I can see how those things I couldn't bear to write about about-- let alone talk, research and understand-- have deeply effected my health.

But I did post that blog.

It wasn't easy, but it was a first itsy-bitsy declaration that I was ready to face the fears. I am starting to see that my body, in crashing, is actually in sync with me. Its working with me to truelly address these fears. I can't think of another moment when I would have the time and stillness to to do this.

Gabrielle recently asked me: "Do you really need to blog about everything Russell?"

Well, if I can't write about it, if I tremble at the thought of speaking it, and if it has actually made me sick, then I would say that's one Heaven of a good reason to write about it. A lot of people read this blog-- from family to friends-- that makes it collosally formidable to actually write certain revelations here. Yet, I am realizing that is an asset. So too is the momentum of personal honesty that my blog has stirred up for me. Being honest to yourself regardless of the weight of the world is powerful medicine.

So, I am going to take a deep breath and deal with this dark stuff-- head on.

There's three things I've been afraid of for too long: Blood. Money. Sex.

I've been massively afraid of blood since I was a kid and to me that represents everything on the inside of one's body-- organs, their functioning and body stuff. Then there's Sex. Or better life-force energy management-- I've never been able to even talk about issues such as masturbation, pornography, or triadic relationships, and loving more than one person at a time. Money-- I loathed accounting in school... I've been afraid of having no money and of asking for it for things I love to do.

I see now how these fears have directly made me ill. I have bankrupted all my energy assets avoiding them. These fears have prevented me from addressing personal issues of health, finance and love. I have buried my head in projects and worked really hard to avoid facing them. Boy... its easy to be hard on myself at this point. But, truelly, there's another more accurate way of looking at it.

So, let me re-phrase:

I am proud to say, I've been working really hard to gather the courage and consciousness to profoundly master and integrate my health, my finances and my life-force into my life.

This might take a few blogs.

"What we no longer fear, makes us healthy"