What do I Fear?

I made this painting in 2003-- it felt like a great image for this post.

I have been talking to friends lately about how a Blog is a fantastic tool for confronting one's fears.  

First, you discover that it is easiest to blog what you're comfortable with. Second, you sense what your not comfortable writing about it. And then you get to ask your self... Why? A few days later, (usually in my case-- months!) you can confront the fear. You write about it. You reflect on it. And then, if you dare, you post it.  

My Mum and my Dad read this blog. My grandparents, my best friends, lovers current and past, all read this. My little sister (Hi Ellen!) and her boyfriend (Hi Ian!). The parents of my lover. My good high school friend Steve that just found me on Facebook. The cute Spanish girl I met at the local Falafel bar yesterday and gave my business card. You name it.  

Ok, ok... I am flattering myself to think that all these people diligently await each post. My sister's computerless at the moment and surely the Falafel girl has lost my card (why else would she not write me back?). BUT... that's not the point here. The fact is, there is the potential that all these people could read my blog! Its out there on the web.  

Each time I start typing about a foreboding subject I am lucidly conscious of this. I am also conscious of something else: This is who I am. Why should I edit myself, my thoughts and my doings based on my anxieties of what others think? Give me one good reason!  

These ideas, these artistic creations, these experience, these are all who I am. If I can't share something... then, I would venture the suggestion that there's something to confront. A fear. A repression. An energetic entanglement. What else would it be Abby?  

Talking about this the other day... I was asked point blank: What do you fear Russell? I was giving a presentation at the time to a group. I totally balked and sidestepped the question!  

However, I am going to confront the question and the fear right now. What can I not write about here on this blog? 

-- When I am feeling down, lonely, or generally negative 

-- Homosexuality 

-- Lesbians 

-- Triadic relationships 

-- Bad experiences on my journey 

-- Poverty (I am getting over it!) 

-- Pornography!  

-- Having children 

-- Attraction, sensuality, sexuality  

-- Relationships 

-- Lovers 

-- Languages -- (this is an odd one but its really weird I haven't wrote about it yet). 

-- Death 

-- Aging 

-- Dancing (me dancing that is!)

-- My music (the music I make that is) 

-- There's more... but I am going to have mercy on myself! 

The irony of course, is that You, dear Reader, would probably find these personally taboo subjects far more entertaining than the stuff I easily write about!  

OK... Mr. or Mrs Reader... it has taken me a week to post this blog. My palms are actually a little sweaty as I type. Let's play Russian Rollette here... if you want me to write about one of these topics reply and point it out. Give me a kick in the ass.