Thursday, December 24, 2009

Thanks for the Stroke

Photo: A road in Italy-- Out of the Shadows towards the sun...

Ok... That's seems a crazy thing to write. Two months ago, as I agonized over having to return to Canada I had next to no gratitude for what was happening to me. Half of my body was numb, and I was being wrested away from my art, my career and my love. I was forced to abandon all and return to Canada-- to my parent’s house.

Being here has hardly been easy. I’ve been dealing with some major issues. These dark areas of my living go way back. Putting them to light with them here has involved massive amounts of stress and inner work/conflict. Talk about intense.

But truly good things seldom are easy are they?

And of course if you really want to heal and to shift from decades of encrusted life patterns, well, you need a major shake-up to do so. Only a week before my mini-stroke I actually thought I was super healthy. I was completely oblivious to the massive life force drain I was imposing on my body.

Let me emphasize that: Completely oblivious and ignorant.

This is where my gratitude begins. The stroke was my wakeup. Looking back, I can't think of any other way that I could have woken up from my arrogant oblivious ignorance to my deleterious ways of living-- regarding everything from my ways of eating, sex and money. Ways that I actually thought of as healthy all my life.

Now, with some distance, I see how crazy fortunate I was to have this trans-continental incident happen to me. It unfolded as I traveled across Italy, France and England in a web of crazy beautiful connections with people who guided me on a true road to healing and integration. That healing road led me back to Ottawa.

I've now had two months now with my Mum and Dad here in Ottawa. I am really thankful for not only their help to return, but for this time with them. I have had a chance to get to know them in a whole new way. A time to bake cookies with my mum, go for walks with my dad, to tell old stories, find out more about my family and just share how the day went. And like any healthy family dynamic it has also involved tension, arguments, and sadness. Perhaps, I am most thankful for this. As a kid, I had a bad habit of walling myself off to exchanging emotions. Being so close to my parents has compelled me to face personal shortcomings/issues that I would rather never deal with. I am thankful for this.

It’s also been a restful place to consolidate my furious learning, my health, and my dreams. I’ve been reading and researching and implementing like crazy. Not only is my energy stabilizing and my health returning, but so too is my release of the old fears and patterns. My fingers and tongue still are a bit numb, but if anything it’s a reminder to keep pressing forward laying down my new healthy patterns, and stay away from the old ones.

Wow. I am so grateful to be able to shift. These three fears of Blood, Sex and Money that I have been writing about would have easily and subconsciounsly persisted for the rest of my life. They would have cut short my life expectancy by a decade or two or three. They would have undermined everything I did. I would have passed them on unconsciously to those close to me and to my children.

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