Healing & Oneness

A photo taken on yesterday's reflective walk down by the river.
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I've been getting some pretty dramatic and profound comments on my latest writing. I'd like to post one of them.

This one really touched me-- not just because it is from a good friend but because it makes a crucial connection for me. As you know, my 1mandala journey has been all about Oneness. But what is Oneness exactly? And as you also know, my journey right now is about Healing. But what is healing exactly?

My good friend Jarette points out the connection.

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Hello dear friend Russell,

Sounds like you've stepped into the next phase of the process... recognition of your own healing. This is powerful man, and wonderful indeed.

I've wanted to share this next thought with you for a long time now, but I didn't feel ready. But now, after reading your words I know that I'm ready to offer this idea.

I've learned in my journey that everything without stems from everything within... and so therefore true oneness with the world stems from true oness within ourselves. Once we align the internal oneness within our own spirit, we then align the ultimate onenss with our universe.

Working from within is the greatest offer to working from without.

I'm happy to hear that you are forward in Canada and healing yourself. It's a great next step in the process. Thank you for listening to yourself and joining the gap within your own separation.

You're doing wonders for the world right now!

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Thank you Jarette. That did wonders for me.

Lifeforce Loss

Blood and Sex and Fear

Ok... here we go. I have been putting this Look-My-Fears-in-the-Eye post for too long. I wrote last that I have three big fears that have made me ill: Blood, Sex and Money.

What is it about blood? I cannot stand it. I can fearlessly bike across Europe and brave the vast unknown, but the thought of my arm being pierced by a little needle and blood coming out... yikes. I go faint. I can't breathe and I feel really silly in front of the cute nurses.

Blood is symbolic for me of everything inside. And like my other two fears of Sex and Money, I'd really rather not talk about it. But that's the problem-- because when your afraid to talk about something, to face it, to learn about it, to understand it, you cut it off from your life and comes back to bite you in the ass. You end up doing self-destructive things. Why? Because you simply don't know any better.

I am tall and slim and have always been afraid of losing weight. But being afraid of learning about my blood-filled insides, I also didn't really want to learn the best way to eat. So I just tried to eat big portions. I would always go for seconds. I have come to learn that this has put immense strain on my digestive system and severly effected my ability to absorb nutrients. My fear of losing weight has actually lead to lose weight. Shitty.

Same goes for sex. I would so rather not talk about it-- best keep that to the bedroom. Its embarrasing and private and not to be blogged about. But why not? I can now decisively say that my fear to talk about this has been just or more damaging to my health.

I had a wonderful Christian and Canadian upbringing. There's lots to be said for my great Canadian and Christian upbringing, but I am starting to realize there are also vast holes. You see, whereas other religious traditions focus on breathing (meditation), stretching the body (yoga), herbs and medicines (ayurvedic), moving energy in the body (marshall arts), physical healing (accupunture, touch), Christianity says nothing about this.

Its a black void of the unspoken. When it comes to Christianity there's no biblical chapters on this stuff, sermons on being physically healthy, or emphasis on health. Well, that's not totally true. You do hear alot about blood. Drinking blood to be exact. Gross!

Maybe there's a childhood connection to my fears and repulsion.

My Dream

That's about enough intense dig-deep fear excavation for the moment. Let's switch to Dreams! There's nothing like speaking your dream to make it happen. Or writting it publically.

I have watched in awe so many times on my journey as my dreams, one after the other would materialized around me.

There's nothing like being ill to compell you to rexamine your life. And your dreams. I've been listening to my biological heart and my soul's heart. So let me do put their words out:

My dream is to restore my body by facing my fears. I dream of integrating my body, finances, spirituality, sexuality and career into One harmonious and joyful pursuit of my artistic calling. I dream of having the support of my family, my country and my community behind my calling. I dream of returning to Paris to be with my love Abby, to heal, to create and to prepare for the coming Spring.

That is my Dream.

"What we Fear makes us ill."

Above: Another old painting of mine, re-discovered at my little brother's apartment. Note the four elements. I'd retitle this one: 'Integration".


"What we fear makes us ill." That's a bold statement, but I am going to run with it.

A few months ago I posted a blog of things that I feared most to write about. Now that I am ill, I re-read and nod my head. Sure enough, I can see how those things I couldn't bear to write about about-- let alone talk, research and understand-- have deeply effected my health.

But I did post that blog.

It wasn't easy, but it was a first itsy-bitsy declaration that I was ready to face the fears. I am starting to see that my body, in crashing, is actually in sync with me. Its working with me to truelly address these fears. I can't think of another moment when I would have the time and stillness to to do this.

Gabrielle recently asked me: "Do you really need to blog about everything Russell?"

Well, if I can't write about it, if I tremble at the thought of speaking it, and if it has actually made me sick, then I would say that's one Heaven of a good reason to write about it. A lot of people read this blog-- from family to friends-- that makes it collosally formidable to actually write certain revelations here. Yet, I am realizing that is an asset. So too is the momentum of personal honesty that my blog has stirred up for me. Being honest to yourself regardless of the weight of the world is powerful medicine.

So, I am going to take a deep breath and deal with this dark stuff-- head on.

There's three things I've been afraid of for too long: Blood. Money. Sex.

I've been massively afraid of blood since I was a kid and to me that represents everything on the inside of one's body-- organs, their functioning and body stuff. Then there's Sex. Or better life-force energy management-- I've never been able to even talk about issues such as masturbation, pornography, or triadic relationships, and loving more than one person at a time. Money-- I loathed accounting in school... I've been afraid of having no money and of asking for it for things I love to do.

I see now how these fears have directly made me ill. I have bankrupted all my energy assets avoiding them. These fears have prevented me from addressing personal issues of health, finance and love. I have buried my head in projects and worked really hard to avoid facing them. Boy... its easy to be hard on myself at this point. But, truelly, there's another more accurate way of looking at it.

So, let me re-phrase:

I am proud to say, I've been working really hard to gather the courage and consciousness to profoundly master and integrate my health, my finances and my life-force into my life.

This might take a few blogs.

"What we no longer fear, makes us healthy"

Blog Sunshine for Healing

Above: An old painting of mine from 2003 that I discovered yesterday at my brother's apartment.


Here I am. I write this blog not really knowing what to say.

I didn't pass through any medival towns today. No castles. No reception by monks on mountain perched monasteries. I didn't even have a flat tire.

I guess the latter is a good thing. My bike is warm and cosy at a monastery in Assisi.

Am I warm and cozy? Yeah, technically. I am quite conscious however that my healing process isn't just about repairing my body. As a Tao sage says: "Changing the surface of a body is easy, changing the food habits is difficult, changing real cause of the problem-- very difficult."

So here I am. Things are comfortable and cozy, but... intense. To really heal means facing things that go way way back. No better place than my parent's house really to do that. But my goodness, this is going to be... very difficult.

My adventures are now on the inside.

And I thought cycling into an unknown country, in the winter, without knowing the language, or having any friends, was difficult. The stuff I have to face now pales in comparison. I find the idea of writing about some of these things on my blog absolutely unimaginable.

But why? Its pure personal fear. A fear to face. Maybe writing them out, putting into blog sunshine will be healing. It would sure be interesting to read.

"It is Easy to Know God, Its hard to be a human being"

"It is easy to know god. Its hard to be a human being."

I read that today lying in bed. It hit home.

As many of you know, I am back in Ottawa, Canada after having what seems to be a mini-stroke in Italy. I am here to rest, recover, heal... and integrate.

I've been doing pretty good "knowing God". My blog here is a joy-filled spiritual journey of magically manifesting and connecting with people around the world. But as we all know its one thing to know spiritual concepts and ideas, its another to live them. I've been living them-- full out baby-- but on the outside. But not on the inside. Not in my body.

Aristotle urges us to know ourselves. After a reflective philosophy degree, living in the Holy land and introspective arting, I've got to know my personality pretty well. My body, alas, I haven't done such a good job getting to know. Somehow all my spiritual learning has overlooked integrating my body into the picture.

Alarmingly, I really thought I knew my body! I've done yoga everyday, never smoked, excerised all the time, thought I ate well, and am totally lean. Only a month and a half ago I stood on the side of the road in Tuscany, sweat on my brow and adrelaine in my veins after climbing a epic series of peaks on my bike... and I thought to myself that I was in the best health ever. I felt great.

But no. I am seeing that a myriad of unconscious patterns-- from dietary, to sexual, to work were all in the process of slowly wearing me down. When all the deleterious patterns finally crossed in one intense week in Italy... I basically short circuited.

Its been one long hard reality check.

Now that my eyes are being opened I can do nothing but shake my head. I see all the bad stuff I was doing in lucid clarity.

Shit.

I getting better slowly. The latest tests show I am normal. But disconcerting numbness continues to jump around my body-- a sobering reminder of my fragile state. You would think that it would be easy to just lie here and rest. Alas here I am facing some of my biggest fears ever here. As the Taoist sage says: Its hard to be a human being.

I am learning the process has a name: Integrating.