Thursday, November 19, 2009

Blood and Sex and Fear

Ok... here we go. I have been putting this Look-My-Fears-in-the-Eye post for too long. I wrote last that I have three big fears that have made me ill: Blood, Sex and Money.

What is it about blood? I cannot stand it. I can fearlessly bike across Europe and brave the vast unknown, but the thought of my arm being pierced by a little needle and blood coming out... yikes. I go faint. I can't breathe and I feel really silly in front of the cute nurses.

Blood is symbolic for me of everything inside. And like my other two fears of Sex and Money, I'd really rather not talk about it. But that's the problem-- because when your afraid to talk about something, to face it, to learn about it, to understand it, you cut it off from your life and comes back to bite you in the ass. You end up doing self-destructive things. Why? Because you simply don't know any better.

I am tall and slim and have always been afraid of losing weight. But being afraid of learning about my blood-filled insides, I also didn't really want to learn the best way to eat. So I just tried to eat big portions. I would always go for seconds. I have come to learn that this has put immense strain on my digestive system and severly effected my ability to absorb nutrients. My fear of losing weight has actually lead to lose weight. Shitty.

Same goes for sex. I would so rather not talk about it-- best keep that to the bedroom. Its embarrasing and private and not to be blogged about. But why not? I can now decisively say that my fear to talk about this has been just or more damaging to my health.

I had a wonderful Christian and Canadian upbringing. There's lots to be said for my great Canadian and Christian upbringing, but I am starting to realize there are also vast holes. You see, whereas other religious traditions focus on breathing (meditation), stretching the body (yoga), herbs and medicines (ayurvedic), moving energy in the body (marshall arts), physical healing (accupunture, touch), Christianity says nothing about this.

Its a black void of the unspoken. When it comes to Christianity there's no biblical chapters on this stuff, sermons on being physically healthy, or emphasis on health. Well, that's not totally true. You do hear alot about blood. Drinking blood to be exact. Gross!

Maybe there's a childhood connection to my fears and repulsion.

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