You reflect. You surf the razor edge of depression and you mine the moment for the insights that can take you onwards.
If you've ever fasted you know you get really clear. It's something about the low energy of not eating anything and yet an uncanny focus of ambivalence that let's you cut through the clutter of the ego. The ego wants to tell me how shitty things are and how much I suck... But when you haven't eaten in a while the ego doesn't have the force to keep the clutter up. That would be why people fast, why people go up to mountaintops and monasteries. Clarity.
One thing is becoming clear to me: this individual heroic idea, the idea of one person doing everything on their own and finding enlightenment on their own... It is bull shit. It is also sustained by a pride that separates rather than unites-- oneself and others.
"You can't become yourself by yourself."