I've had an amazing time in Sagada. Lots of mandala making. That was the first few weeks. But shit... I have to be honest. Things have crashed here too for me.
It's been so bad and hard that i havent been able to even write about it. I want to explain and give lots of existential BS to smooth it over... but basically I've gone several days without food, gotten sick, had no money, and lost alot of weight. That last one really sucks because i dont have much weight to loose and it effects the rest of my health.
I have had much time to meditate and reflect. Alot like Orwell I suppose, lying on a mattress in some half way house in London waiting for the day to end and the next to begin.
Am I comparing myself to Orwell? Maybe a little. There is deep consciousness to be gained from moments like these.
Of course, i am not staring aimlessly into space but working hard each day-- pulling together an international team around a planetary intention. What the heck am I doing exactly though if it leads to this, I ask myself? Why don't I do something else?
If you've ever fasted, you know that it gives you alot of clarity. The state cuts through all the clutter, all the ego and you touch and sense the important stuff.
And, the answer is simple. What I am doing is important.
It needs to be done and I am called to do it. And it is going to succeed. If I ask for it to and stand up for it. It is as simple as that.
All the manifestation mechanisms that we are taping into... They are powerful stuff. There is one ingredient missing however, that would be me. I not only have to believe what I am doing is important, but to choose it to be. I have to ask for the things I need to male it happen without shame and with bold confidence.
I am discovering I have alot of pride. Pride that finds it root in deep wounds and insecurities-- as some sort of protection mechanism. But, to continue, I need to humble those walls. I need to ask for what I need, and get over these paralyzing feelings of neediness or better-than-ness.
It's the only way.
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Russell Maier | Artist