Sunday, May 30, 2010

Me in Sagada with a Rice Farmer Hat


Me and the trail on the way up to the house.
-----

I am now staying, living, resting and working from the mountains around Saganda, 13 hours north of Manila. I am staying with Dom-an and her family in her peace and healing centre perched on a hill top surounded by rice ladies and pine forest. We have been getting to know each other and doing mandala workshops with the indegenious kids in the village next store, and yesterday the youth group of the local church. Dom-an is really digging mandalas... And so are the kids.

More on those adventures shortly!

High & Far Away


Baguio - Sagada / bus

I am high. Out the bus window, I look straight down. And I mean straight down. The bus winds along the side of the craziest, cliff perched, mountain hugging road you can possibly imagine. The view is what you would expect from an airplane not a bus.

I look straight down into a valley carpeted with endless patches of green. The slopes are carved with an impossible succession of rice paddy terraces on hills that rapidly turn to sheer cliff.

Down below I spy a lone farmer tilling an ancient steppe- a small terrace of green. So far down, he seems but a tiny toy. Even further below a hair breath wide river weaves through the valley. The shadows of the clouds dance with the sunlit river on the verdent floor of the chasm.

If I were to leap out of the bus just now, I doubt I would hit the earth for a good 10 seconds. The bus is literally hanging on the side of a cliff.

Meshed with the staggering landscape are the people. Like the farmer far below they have perched their homes on the most incredible plateaus. Yet another house hangs off an escarpment with a view and perch that would make the eagles from my land envious. The views of the humble homes are fit for kings.

The people though are simple and shy. It could have something to do with my height. I tower over them like a giant from a strange far away land. And, well, so I am. I tried speaking to a family beside me-- they spoke no english or even philipino, only the indegenuois canake dialect. A rare moment for me, I find no way to communicate. It is I who is humbled now.

The road twists and turns at times making insane 180 degree switchbacks. At one moment we are pushing full gear up a hill, the next we are sighing and zagging like a drunk. All the time the sheer escarpment looms to our left.

The mist is sweeping in now. The valley now fades into a foggy oblivion. I close my eyes and try in vain to remember the endless horizon of the Canadian prairies.

I am far. And high.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Where am I?

I really don't know how to compose this post.

Basically it is going up to let everyone know who might have been trying to get through to me in the last few days that I am OK! My iPhone mysteriously died after sending one last very intense e-mail out (ironically asking someone to call me). Since then, I have been iPhone free. Happily, as a matter a fact! But, if you're trying to call me, or SMS me, well, you can't!

This morning I awoke in a small cabin perched above a valley of rice terraces. I did my yoga looking out into layers and layers of green as roosters crowed in the distance. Wow. This is Sagada. It is staggeringly beautiful out here.

However, there are no bank machines here (or the previous city!) that work with my Bank of Montreal card. I thus find myself in the vastly ironic state of actually having money for once, but not being able to access it! I just have to laugh. It seems my soul has a definite agenda to learn about money and attachment!

A monk that I met in Sagada, offered to take me with him to Baguio, a city 6 hours away on the craziest winding mountain road you can possibly imagine. A door had opened, and I couldn't help but follow him. What an incredible trip that was. I have now arrived and am typing away on his laptop at his center perched on a hilltop. Oh... and I have pesos again!

So... where am I exactly? Here. :-)

Monday, May 24, 2010

Sagada

I am on the move! It's been an intense last month living in Manila. I have gone through alot. I have made not only lots of friends but lots of 1Mandala and personal existential progress. Now, however, at last I am headed out into the mountain and countryside for some much needed fresh air.

I am also back into that special place... the Unknown! Everything is new, daunting and scintillating with possibility. The universe is conspiring all around me!

However, despite it being the unknown, my intentions are known. And crystal clear.

I feel there is a reason I am here in the Philipines that connects with the unfolding of the 1Mandala. I am inspired, learning and experiencing in ways I would never anywhere else on the planet. That said, I seek to find a sacred place here in the mountains where I and ceremoniously ask the spirit of the land, the people and the ancestors to help us co-create the Oneness conscious raising intention of the 1Mandala. There is a special energy here that I would like to invite with respect and gratefullness into our co-creation.

I wish to read our Intention out loud and ask the blessing and support of the Philipines in making it manifest. Here, close with nature I also seek to find my peace, power and restoration.

A wise women spoke to me in Manila. She observed that I have lived and traveled and been blessed with wisdom and experience all over the planet. She commented that with such great opportunity and experience and wisdom, come great responsibility. Responsibility for not just what I do, but how I do it.

I'd say "Back to work now", but somehow that doesn't feel right.

Better... Onwards with the loving unfolding!

Letting Go


Love is challenging isn't it? Perhaps by definition.

To love. To be alive. To let go.

Loving is about really living-- so often doing what makes us most uncomfortable. Literally. It means stepping out of security and comfort into the unknown.

To love yourself means facing your fears-- those dark things that really do us so much harm. To take off from your home on an epic journey. To sail into uncharted waters. To choose the path less travelled. Yet the path that all around teems with glorious green life, passion, emotion, beingness!

To love others is the same. It means stepping out of comfort, the known, the secure, the predictable. It can mean embracing strangers, letting someone into your private space, of giving without sight of return. It means getting out of your cozy seat for someone else. It can even mean letting someone go onwards on a path that takes them far far away from you so that they can live and learn as you and they know they must.

Letting go. That's where life begins. That is where love begins.

But boy... It can be so hard. Especially when you really love her.


Friday, May 21, 2010

Co-creative 1Fundraising

This is going to be an impromptu entry. I have a snippet of HTML code that I need to publish, and on my iPhone, the only way I can think to do it is with my blog. So here it is... This should appear as a paypal button:


11.11$ Oneness Subscription - 11 months









1.11$ Oneness Subscription - 11 months









Yeah? I hope so! Now... The story behind it.

You may have read some of my rather... Uhm... intense blogging about not getting a 20,000$ Canada Council for the Art grant. In the past, grant denials, have caused me to abandon art project and ideas.

Not this time.

Instead, a hundred times more than ever I am absolutely determined than to manifest the 1Mandala.

Brainstorming our financial situation with the 1Mandala team, we realized that to fund the 1Mandala (a project all about co-creation and collaboration) with a big government grant was, in effect, a contradiction. The 1Mandala is being built because people around the world who resonate with the shared intention-- folks who are contributing their bit of energy to make it happen. The 1Mandala is really a grand testament to a whole new way of doing things, of what we can do together when we we share an intention, of what humans across continents and cultures can do-- without governments or corporations or celebreties-- it's the symbol of a while new way. "The new face of humanity" as we are saying at 1Mandala.

The brainstorming continued and we decided we must fund the project in the same spirit: Co-creatively!

Dan and Jon and Catalina helped come up with the idea of making a sustainable statement and symbol with a donation. Rather than an open-ended donation, we are asking for precisely 11.11$. In return for making it a reoccuring monthly payment you get a subscription to our 1Mandala Portrait of the Day.

The 1Mandala is all about 1ness of course, and, our goal is to unveil in front of the UN on 11/11/11. A monthly donation (or a single one) for 11.11$ financially and numerically affirms and sustains that intention. Co-creatively.

Beautiful.

Yesterday, I am very happy to say that HT Canada's core team met and unanimously decided to endorse the 1Mandala each month for 11.11$.

I've never been so excited about 11$!

That's 1!

:-)

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The New 1Mandala - Manila Build V4




Over a thousand people have sent in their smile, their peace and their love to build this grand visual prayer of Oneness. Co-created by a global team, inspired by crop circles and built using the ancient and sacred art of the mandala, the 1Mandala continues to grow as more and more people resonate with our intention:

"Our shared intention is to co-create a grand mandala of creative portraits that reflects, celebrates and amplifies the emerging oneness consciousness on Earth"




The latest version is built at Creative Ideals Studio in Manila, Philipines. Http://Www.ideals.ph

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Mandala of Interconnectedness


GeoTagged, [N14.63944, W121.07314]

Back on September 9th, 2009 (090909), the 1Mandala teamed up with The World Day of Interconectedness to invite people to send in portraits of themselves showing and shining Interconnectedness.

Hundreds of amazing photos were sent in!

Alas I got sick around that time and wasn't able to complete the 090909 Mandala that we were going to make out of all these photos. Over the last months I've patiently waited for the right confluence of health, time, computer and software to be able to do it.

Humanity's Team is presenting their petition at the UN this week. An email from Gerry on the HT delegation inspired me to send out an SMS to my friend Sarah to see if she knew anyone with a free Mac. A free mac! What are the chances?

An amazing series of synchronicities and I have had studio, a MacBook, the software, the time, the food, and even a place nearby to stay! Oh.. And the health! What an amazing week.

And now the 090909 mandala is done! That is it above. Thanks to Leo and his team for his patience. I have a feeling our 101010 turn around will be much better!

And, the Mandala of Intercinnectedness is complete just in time to be added to the new build of the 1Mandala.

Coming next!

Working Away on the Latest 1Mandala build



The awesomely funky, generous and friendly folks at Ideals Creative have blessed me with a space, a MacBook pro and all the software and smiles I could dream of to get the latest build the 1Mandala done for a presentation at the UN in NYC this week.

Here's me proudly wearing my Verona printed 1Mandala shirt as I work away. Felt like the apropos shirt to wear today!

More on the 1Mandala build shortly!

Http://Www.ideals.ph

Sunday, May 16, 2010

May Peace Prevail on Earth


GeoTagged, [N14.63380, W121.05431]


Yesterday, I joined a gathering of folks in Manila. We were gathering with yet more folks around the world. Folks from all faiths were invited to share their prayers for peace at a rolling series of interfaith celebrations around the world. The focus: May Peace Prevail on Earth.

And it looks like we need it-- a quick glance at the headlines this morning shows that there's alof of intense stuff going on. Or is there? Well, there is, but what about all the thousands of us who gathered around the world to not just celebrate our differences but the dreams that we hold together? You don't see that on the regular news.

Maybe I need to switch!

Any suggestions?

The first sentence of our new 1Mandala description comes to mind: "There is bright new web of collaboration consciousness emerging on Earth"

Despite the front page, I know that yesterday it got a little brighter.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

My New 1Mandala Portrait



The 1Mandala project has been undergoing a fundamental shift. A team has synchronistically come together to co-create a renewed foundation for the project. This has meant a subtle yet profound shift in the type of portrait that we invite. We now call for creative portraits that "reflect the change you want to see in the world. Be the peace, the love, the joy of this new way of Oneness. Show and send one in! Get creative!"

Maybe you are part of an organization or group that is making the world a better place. Get creative! Use our uploader to do so and share your message and project link with the world! By weaving all these portraits together we will celebrate and amplify the emerging oneness consciousness on the planet.

To kick things off I, Russell the artist, attach my new 1Mandala portrait. With joy I share me being the change, the Oneness that I would love to see in the world.

This portrait is taken with some of my fans here in Manila-- basketball fans to be precise! I have been playing basketball in the ghettos of Manila near where I live with some of the most disadvataged people in the whole wide world. The guys I play with drive bicycle cabs during the day and sleep on the sidewalk at night. Their partners (the fans shown here in the portrait!) have children so young and have absolutely no options. The babies crawl on cardboard and the kids beg on the street. They are so close yet so far from the rich people in the apartments nearby. They are even more seperate from someone like me who grew up in Canada's Yukon. It is almost like we come from different planets.

But of course we don't. We are connected. We breath the same air and walk the same Earth. Our children will one day work together or work against each other. I ignore them, their plight, and the vast system that has created such monumental divisions and imbalance at my peril. Humanity has put a man on the moon, tamed the atom, and engineered the most amazing things-- together we can do so much better at making the world a more humane place. For me, here in Manila, it has started with making new friends and playing some crazy fun basketball in my flip flops-- with my fel

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Destuktion / Kreation



Yesterday, my treasured turquoise necklace broke. What a shame. But, out of destruction comes creation. Here is a little abstract photographic installation on the marble floor.

Meine besondes Kollier geshank heb niederstreken und gehen kaput gestern. Eine große schade. Ich bin traulich. Abber met destruktion auch kommen Kreatzion. Ich heb gemacht Kunst Met die Stuck auf die kaput turquoise.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Walking with History, Watching the Shift


I am pretty lucky. We live in an amazing moment of planetary transition and I am bouncing around the globe witnessing it.

I once wanted to be a journalist so that I could travel and witness the world like this. However, in fact my experience without a press pass is even more profound. Back in Canada I heared a CBC reporter talking about the 20th anniversary of the Berlin Wall. The poor guy only had a few days to stay in Berlin and research the story. I had to cringe at how superficial it was.

I had been there at the same time but had been emmersed in a web of East and West German friends, homes, culture, language. food and history and boy... Did I learn about the Berlin Wall and the old GDR! Perhaps more importantly, I got a feel for what is going on there now.

And now, I am in the Philipines. Today is historic elections are being decided. The photo is of me walking in a poitical march for Nicanor Perlas, the local Green party candidate for the president.

Alas, he is not going to win, but boy has he got an exciting movement behind him. All the really good musicians, artists and rappers gathered last night for his rally as well as lots of really interesting Filipinos. Also were a collection of international activists from Australia to Germany to Canada that are attracted so much to his ideas that they flew in to support. I had a chance to talk to many of them.

Nicanor's campaign is part of a nameless global movement. It is part of the same shift that I have witnessed from Berlin to Paris to Manila. A shift that trascends bandaid political legislations to a great new enthusiasm for changing on the inside to see change on the outside.

That would be why Nicanor took the rally on a march through the city to visit the statues of one Filipino revolutionary after another. We did it in progressive historical order, with a speech at the foot of each monument. We heared the story of priests, a poet, and revolutionary. Nicanor showed how it is one person at a time makes change, how one person making a stand affects others around him and into the future. He showed how change starts first inside us, then moves into our lives and then the world outside and then generations unborn. Traveling beside him was a Visaya spiritual man. There was an implicit spirituality to his message and green/ecological emphasis. Politics is afterall your spirituality expressed.

I may not see any of these folks again, but just to be there was inspiring. They reminded me that this is happening all around the world. People are shifting! They might not be getting elected... Yet... But the movement the shift is growing. Nick and those who were there have their equivalents all around the world. It reminds me and inspires me of the importance of my work.

The election aftermath risks being a tumultous day. Today and tomorrow I will meditate for one hour to contribute my peace to keeping the peace in Manila tomorrow.


Sunday, May 9, 2010

A Dream in the City of Love

Chilling here at a cafe in Manila, a looong way from Verona Italy, I reminisce. Here is a poem that I never posted.

You never know when your moment together will end, so while you can
love, full, and with all your being. There's simply no more
beautiful thing to do is there?


------

Splashes from the ancient fountain
sun glisten off our smiles.
A centuries old flower filled square,
Centuries of lovers have danced there.
in the mythical city of love,
in the shadow of a white dove
But was that really you?
Was that really I?


Hand in hand we walked the cobbled streets.
Hand in hand we journeyed the twists, the turns,
The city of love blessing us with it's splendour,
Blessed be the lovers who risked all!
Blessed be those who jump Blind.
You and I, blessed, leaping Into the dazzling unknown.

Your laughter glistens like the sun,
My smile never stopping,
A kiss, deep and true in a hidden alley.
Your shyness so sweet, your joy so great.
Together in the the Italian lake.
Together in a dew fresh morning,
Fresh figs, three stones, dreams, fears, passion found.
Even the trees bend to bless us with their bounty
The memories are just as sweet.

My love...
Was that really you?
Was it really I?
As one in each others arms.
As one at dusk and at dawn.
Together in a dream,
Together in the city of love,

Thursday, May 6, 2010

At least I am alive.

Well... At least I am alive.

Yep. I am Alive. Like really alive. As the city of Manila looms large around me I just found out from my disapointed parents that I didn't get this big grant that I applied for through the Canada Council of the Arts.

Fuck the Canada Council. Really. My experience is that that whole system really takes energy from artists. Here we are are trying to do our work and they put out this glorious carrot for us of recognition and funding. En mass we apply and compete against each other and put all sorts of emotional energy into getting The Grant.

This isn't helping the arts or the artists. Really, it is only something like 5% of us who get the grants. The other 95% are rejected. And how can that process of getting your hopes up, putting energy into proposals and resumes and slides not be destructive? Do artists co-ops and communities work this way? Do we compete against each other and let one get rich while another goes poor?

Of course not. Art is fundamentally human, and we are creating as humans competition has nothing to do with it-- except to detract.

I have applied six times in vain for this thing. Now I am in the Philipines, far away, and I can finally glean some perspective. The grant system is pure destructive competition. When you're immersed in it you think... "Oh I must not be good enough, this competition surely is inspiring me and others to be better". No way. Bull shit. That is not my experience. I have applied for so many grants and you know what, the process has never been good. The process inevitably causes you to work and create in a certain way that will be recognized and "win". Even when I have won, the grants are one time busts that are not sustainable and by their nature destabilizing to one's creative trajectory.

Would I feel this way had I won the grant? Would I be writing this same post? Does the rich person in the black SUV driving past the squatters on the Manila street think twice about the character of global economic system? He doesn't. But he pays a price with his soul. And there's a connection between these two examples. Don't let it elude you. Especially if youn happen to be in a nice car. Competition, Capitalism, and old world values are wrecking fantastic divisions injustice and disempowerment in our world.

Like me not being able to do my art in Canada. Just like all the other Canadian artists I met in Berlin and Europe. Great job Canada council.

So, I am still alive. I don't have to pay the price of Ease just yet. Instead I am furious. There's a whole beauracracy of well paid folks who work in lavish security because artists like me had to live without it and still manage to create. To create the art that fundamental enriches the world and ignites human consciousness. What is culture without art? What is life without culture?

I am doing real art. The type of art that alas doesn't sell well in galleries nor make good investments nor corporations can commission. I am making art that inspires. Flip through the 1Mandala database of portrait submissions. See my videos with kids in cultures around the world. My art is to inspire others to do art, to be peace, to be joy, to be one. This is the type of art that changes the world. This is precisely what an enlightened government should be supporting.

That changes me too. That makes me alive. That's what I mean, that is what I am gratefully for. Full out living adventure, transnational, with zero security, great adversity, successes, rejections, companionship, comradery, angels, great loves, from one moment to the next it is an epic journey sustained by love and light.

So what would have I done had I won the grant? Traveled, ate better, lived grander, been more generous?

I am going to do it anway.

Well... At least I am alive.

Yep. I am Alive. Like really alive. I just found out from my disapointed parents that I didn't get this big grant that I applied for through the Canada Council of the Arts.

Fuck the Canada Council. Really. My experience is that that whole system really takes energy from artists. Here we are are trying to do our work and they put out this glorious carrot for us of recognition and funding. En mass we apply and compete against each other and put all sorts of emotional energy into getting The Grant.

This isn't helping the arts or the artists. Really, it is only something like 5% of us who get the grants. The other 95% are rejected. And how can that process of getting your hopes up, putting energy into proposals and resumes and slides not be destructive? Do artists co-ops and communities work this way? Do we compete against each other and let one get rich while another goes poor?

Of course not. Art is fundamentally human, and we are creating as humans competition has nothing to do with it-- except to detract.

I have applied six times in vain for this thing. Now I am in the Philipines, far away, and I can finally glean some perspective. The grant system is pure destructive competition. When you're immersed in it you think... "Oh I must not be good enough, this competition surely is inspiring me and others to be better". No way. Bull shit. That is not my experience. I have applied for so many grants and you know what, the process has never been good. The process inevitably causes you to work and create in a certain way that will be recognized and "win". Even when I have won, the grants are one time busts that are not sustainable and by their nature destabilizing to one's creative trajectory.

Would I feel this way had I won the grant? Would I be writing this same post? Does the rich person in the black SUV driving past the squatters on the Manila street think twice about the character of global economic system? He doesn't. But he pays a price with his soul. And there's a connection between these two examples. Don't let it elude you. Especially if youn happen to be in a nice car. Competition, Capitalism, and old world values are wrecking fantastic divisions injustice and disempowerment in our world.

Like me not being able to do my art in Canada. Just like all the other Canadian artists I met in Berlin and Europe. Great job Canada council.

So, I am still alive. I don't have to pay the price of Ease just yet. Instead I am furious. There's a whole beauracracy of well paid folks who work in lavish security because artists like me had to live without it and still manage to create. To create the art that fundamental enriches the world and ignites human consciousness. What is culture without art? What is life without culture?

I am doing real art. The type of art that alas doesn't sell well in galleries nor make good investments nor corporations can commission. I am making art that inspires. Flip through the 1Mandala database of portrait submissions. See my videos with kids in cultures around the world. My art is to inspire others to do art, to be peace, to be joy, to be one. This is the type of art that changes the world. This is precisely what an enlightened government should be supporting.

That changes me too. That makes me alive. That's what I mean, that is what I am gratefully for. Full out living adventure, transnational, with zero security, great adversity, successes, rejections, companionship, comradery, angels, great loves, from one moment to the next it is an epic journey sustained by love and light.

So what would have I done had I won the grant? Traveled, ate better, lived grander, been more generous?

I am going to do it anway.

But not as a Canadian artist. I am of Earth now.





Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Kyle, Mandalas & I

Last night, I headed downstairs with a mission. I was determined to find someone to invite out for dinner. But before I could even get out the door, the unthinkable happened-- someone invited me out first!

Kyle is a 19 year old college kid staying in my building. We'd connected before in the elevator. As he saw me headed out for dinner, he insisted in joining me: perfect! And what what a great dinner! We talked about all sorts of stuff. Kyle had me speak in different languages and tell him all about Canada. Can you beleive, he knew that Ottawa was our capital and Nunavut our new territory! Bright kid. I explained the whole history of our flag to him and he soaked it up.

But, he didn't know what a mandala was! So, then and there we commandeered a pen from the waiter, flipped over our placemats and started drawing! I showed him how it worked, and reflecting one off the other as we came up with this little creation.

Thanks Kyle!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

I don't understand

I wrote this a week or two ago, when I was a little down after Abby and I got back from the beach at Borocay, Philipines...
-----

How is that I can travel around the world and have such profound and
soul touching experiences everywhere I go? My life is absolutely
enchanted.

I just spent three months in Ottawa getting to really know myself and
my parents, and doing a beautiful project with my Church. I then
spent two months living in Paris with my beautiful lover Abby, getting
to know her and again myself much deeper. And then now I have spent
the last three weeks with Abby and her parents here in the
Philipines. It's been beautiful-- beaches, gorgeous hot weather, and
lots of touring around-- but also deeply challenging.

I know some of you wonder how I do it. I know-- because I too wonder
how I do it. How I am living in the funkiest apartment complex in
Manila that everyone envies? It shouldn't really be possible. At
least not in a world of work visas, careers, jobs and saving and
planning.

I don't really plan. I make intentions. Lucid intentions that I
craft with discipline and joy. They shape my life and experiences,
but I don't save up for them, nor try to schedule them out. It is hard
to explain to those who don't have the experience, it seems as magic.

I have spent ten years of my life studying religions, philosophies and
learning from mentors about the spiritual underpinnings of this
universe. This wasn't to accumulate knowledge, but to guide my
living. My Grandparents once asked me what was the most important
thing I had learned. I quoted Jesus:

"Seek and you shall find, ask and you shall receive, knock and the
door shall be opened. For all those who ask receive, all those who
seek find, and to all those who knock the door is opened."

And it's true. Profoundly. Neale Donald Walshe describes it as the
universe being a great creative power that manifest every single
thought and idea that we have. Our realities and moments are pure
self-creations. Paulo Coehlo puts it the most poetically-- when we
have a dream the entire inverse conspires with us to make it happen.

There is thus no need to struggle or work or even plan to make things
happen. You have a dream? Speak it. Write it. Then watch as it
materializes about you. You dont need to save up money. You don't
have to wait until you retire. You dont even need a job or carreer.
Just choose it. Then watch as that becomes your "job" or "career".

Of course this flies in the face of the whole structure of society.
This isn't how our orderly economies have been maintained. By being
this way you step out from being a cog in the massive machine. You
are no longer a piece of the Big system that keeps us all in place.
The big system that all we know is so up-side-down-crazy-irrational
and destroying the planet and the source of the ludicrous economic
disparity of sultans in their pinacled towers to babies crawling on
cardboard on the Manila street.

Alas, when you step out of this system, you also step out of
generational and family patterns and expectations for relationships
and careers and Right Life.

And that's not easy. It has taken me down a road that often makes me
feel so far from others.

Jesus also said something else. He talked about how he brought a
sword to divide families.

I never really understood this. But now I do. I so would like to
connect with Abby and her family. But it feels like there is a chasm
between us. They don't understand me, and really I can't blame them.
My way of living is incomprehensible and I makes a terrible match for
their daughter. It makes me sad and down.

Living my dream full out... It is hard enough sometimes for me to live
this way sometimes. It make it so much harder when it divides me
from those I love. It makes me sad.

Sometimes, I just don't understand.